I can’t believe I have to say this but…here it goes…I don’t care what anyone thinks about me writing this blog. If you don’t like what I am writing about you can always feel free to scroll on by and just ignore it. I know that there are some out there who have grown up within the same church as I did who did not suffer the same level of trauma. Maybe you are whiter or had better parents, or just got lucky. No one can say why some people end up with PTSD and others do not. It could be that I am a more sensitive person than you, or it could be that I took it all more seriously. That being said, I am who I am and I have PTSD and that means that whether it was 30 or 40 years ago doesn’t really matter to me because my brain reacts like it is happening right now. I can’t just let that go because my mind will not allow it. Don’t think for one minute that I have not spent my whole adult life trying to leave it all behind.
I write for me. I write to give my child self a voice. I write to drag the sins of the past out into the light. I write in hope that others will be less afraid to step forward. I write to create change. I desire that one day those who oppress the young through fear and intimidation will fall and other more compassionate leaders will take their place. I write to give a voice to all those who are too afraid to speak, those who came before and after me for whom the stakes are too high. Yes, a lot of time has passed and it might make some more comfortable if I just shut up about it but I can’t do that. I cannot be quiet as long as other children are at risk. Just because I have made it out doesn’t remove my responsibility to let the world know that there are still others left behind. Who is speaking for the kids of color at CGC right now? Who is speaking for the girls being abused right now? I have zero reasons to believe that because most of the daily work has passed from father to son that everything is magically better. Those adults who knew about my abuse and turned a blind eye are still in leadership roles and I’m not just talking about the Grants. I will continue to speak up about this until CGC has dissolved or the UPCI has stepped in and removed the current leadership. This isn’t just about the distant past, it is about now. If you felt you had to run away from that place then you know something is wrong there. Not everyone can speak up for those kids who are still there, I understand that, all I ask is that you not throw stones at me as I try to.