My Healing Journey

My Healing Journey

My healing journey has not been an easy one. Just leaving the United Pentecostal Church can be hard enough without adding all of the other issues on top. You may remember that I am going to EMDR therapy and that I have expressed how hard it is. It is hard but it is also worth every second of pain. I have made enormous progress and I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. One of my goals has been to figure out what is at the root of all my trauma. Every bit of trauma is tied to all of the others and sometimes if you can get to the root the other parts will just fall away. I think I may have figured out what the root of it all is.

I woke up this morning with a song in my brain…

“All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need”

It sounds simple and maybe it is but when I realized that all of my trauma is tied to not feeling loved it kind of blew my mind. I never felt loved by my parents and I certainly never felt love from the church. Had my parents loved me the way they should have I would not have been the neglected and unprotected child that I was. They would not have been so harsh with me and my mother in particular would not have been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. All of the fear, loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness could have been taken from me with a strong dose of dependable love

The church is a whole other kettle of fish. Where my parents showed me imperfect and insufficient love the church seemed completly barren of any love. Love does not put money, race, and popularity before people. It certainly does not act in its own selfish interest and it does not judge harshly. Love shows mercy and compassion. Love doesn’t offer children up on an altar of self protection and image. Love admits guilt and seeks healing and reconciliation. Calvary Gospel possesses none of these qualities.

Now that I know, I have to work even harder than I already am to engage in self-love. Not the surface level kind but deep self-love that will hopefully make up for all the lack in my formative years. This is not an easy task because I have so many voices from the past in my head reminding me of how unworthy I am. I have to chase love and push those other feelings away. I need to work on cultivating more loving relationships. I’m interested in the deep friendships that include vulnerability and a willingness to show up when things get hard. I’m going to keep going to EMDR as an act of self-love. The more I go the more I learn about myself and the things/ideas that are holding me back.

When I think of all of the survivors of Calvary Gospel I have spoken to I am reminded of how love could have changed everything for them as well. If CGC had replaced selfishness, vanity, and the love of money with the love of people so many wounds could have been avoided. But lets be honest the version of God that they serve is not a loving God. He is harsh and vindictive and he waits to judge and reject. The Grants have long represented God this way even if they preach love from the podium. Love is about action not words. Anyone can say I love you brother or sister, but the love shows through when they chose how to act towards you.

So this is where I am. I’m getting better every day. The road is never easy but one by one I am removing traumas from my back and with each one healed my load becomes lighter. I will never walk like others do but maybe I can walk without so much pain.

D