Some Triggers Rise Again

*Triggers Rapture, End Times, CPTSD*

I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Currently, I’m undergoing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. So far it has helped more than anything else. I have been working on so many subjects but the first subject that we covered was my rapture anxiety. When I talk about rapture anxiety it sounds much smaller to me than what it actually is. It has loomed large over my life for as long as I can remember. I thought I had completely healed from it but I was wrong. When I go to see my therapist next time I think I need to do some maintenance work about this topic.

For those who do not know here is a definition of C_PTSD

“Both PTSD and C-PTSD result from the experience of something deeply traumatic and can cause flashbacks, nightmares, and insomnia. Both conditions can also make you feel intensely afraid and unsafe even though the danger has passed. However, despite these similarities, there are characteristics that differentiate C-PTSD from PTSD according to some experts.

The main difference between the two disorders is the frequency of the trauma. While PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is caused by long-lasting trauma that continues or repeats for months, even years (commonly referred to as “complex trauma”).¹

Unlike PTSD, which can develop regardless of what age you are when the trauma occurred, C-PTSD is typically the result of childhood trauma.

The psychological and developmental impacts of complex trauma early in life are often more severe than a single traumatic experience. So different, in fact, that many experts believe that the PTSD diagnostic criteria don’t adequately describe the wide-ranging, long-lasting consequences of C-PTSD.” verywellmind.com

Here is an explanation of what EMDR is

“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.” emdria.org

The above website is full of useful information if you are interested in learning more about EMDR.

I had a difficult weekend. It started with me strolling around Facebook just killing time. Something came across my feed that immediately triggered me. In a group I belong to someone posted a still photo from the film “Thief In The Night”. I immediately knew what it was and before I could even have a thought my brain had run away into panic mode. My heart was pounding and my stomach clenched tight into a knot. Immediately that awful song, you know the one, started playing in my head. This happened in part because of some of the comments posted under the photo. Yes, I should have walked away but when I am in this state I do not always think clearly. I read a few comments and even responded to someone who was speaking about their trauma regarding the film. After that my fight began, I was fighting to get that song out of my head and to keep my anxiety from running wild. I felt like I could not breathe and I had to find something to distract myself.

I decided to do some art work and listen to one of my favorite podcasts, Spiritual PTSD. The host was talking about something completely unrelated and then out of nowhere he went down a “Thief In The Night” tangent and I just froze, sitting there dumbfounded. How in the space of a few minutes had I experienced these triggers? Then I was afraid to move and wondering where that fear might jump out at me next. If I let it, it will spin out of control and lead to flashbacks, when I get to that point there is no stopping the panic I just have to let it run it’s course. I had flashbacks this weekend but I was able to breathe through them and not let it spin me out of control. I call that progress. This attack did not last a week and it did not keep me from sleeping the way it would have in the past. I’m healing that much is true, I just know I’m not all the way there yet.

I am shaken. I am shocked by how hard I was hit over the weekend. I’m angry at my parents and the church that exposed me to this trauma. I’m angry that so much of my time and money has to go to just trying to heal and live a normal life. I’m grateful I have access to help and a support system that holds me when I’m struggling. I’m thankful for my husband who helps me to feel safe when my brain turns on me and seeks to convince me there are monsters waiting for me around every corner. Teaching children about end-times theology is child abuse and showing those films to children is torture.

Thank you for staying with me on this journey.

Debbie